


couldn't help but wonder

by ribinapan



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M, No Beta, Sabriel - Freeform, gosh help me, more like TRAUMATIZED am i right, sam's internalized homophobia isnt actually homophobia, somewhere after ep 13.20, this isnt edited at all im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-24
Updated: 2020-06-24
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:02:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24888817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ribinapan/pseuds/ribinapan
Summary: sam thinks a lot on their way back to the bunker, about gabriel and how he feels about him.
Relationships: Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester, Gabriel/Sam Winchester
Kudos: 29





	couldn't help but wonder

**Author's Note:**

> somewhere right after 13.20 i think. this isnt edited or read over AT ALL im sorry

Sam couldn’t help but clench his jaw and unclench, gnawing on nothing. He knew it was making him obvious, but the stressing matter in the back of his head was  _ begging  _ to explode from the pressure, and all he could do was grind his teeth together to keep it back. Dean kept glancing at him, eyes tired and frustrated. He knew that that was Dean’s new Expression of Worry-- but it was still annoying.  _ Definitely  _ when he was supposed to be focusing  _ on the road. _

In the back, Gabriel is quiet.  _ Too  _ quiet. He always had a witty comeback, something suggestive to say-- or maybe an insult that was just too pure and innocent for an angel with such a vast history of hanging out with pornstars-- Hell,  _ being  _ a pornstar--

His jaw was starting to hurt as the ache in his chest began to grow. This whole time, he had been able to spend time with Gabriel. He stuck to his side even when Dean didn’t. Yeah, okay, he had abandoned them before-- the empty feeling tears Sam shed over him when no one was around was something he should probably be angry about-- but he couldn’t bring himself to it. Dean seemed to just suck up all the anger into himself. But that wasn’t Sam. Sam couldn’t feel anything but worry over the angel in the back, who understood him so much and yet so little at the same time. But he was there now--  _ so  _ close-- and he couldn’t even say anything, due to Dean’s determined, but still angry, watchful gaze.

Idly, he wondered to whatever--  _ whoever  _ was still watching them if he was going to have to lose Gabriel again. He understood the ache in his chest-- he had felt this feeling before. It felt like a curse. Like the attachment he had to the Archangel had basically sealed his fate, leaving Sam to wonder how much time he had left.

He wondered if he could convince himself, finally, with this second chance-- to open his mouth and tell the angel behind him exactly how much he needed him-- if those words could leave his chest and dance on his tongue long enough to express to Gabriel exactly what that  _ meant-  _ even if it wasn’t requited. If it wasn’t, he probably had a better chance at survival, anyway.

He turned around, eyes landing on golden hair and a hurt, lost expression.

Gabriel had told him he was fine, that he felt better after finally getting the revenge he had been hoping for, but Sam knew he was a liar.

Gabriel felt his eyes on him, and he looked up. A smirk immediately spread across his features, the usual facade of confidence flooding into his gaze as it met Sam’s worried one.

Sam grimaced.

He was really going to get a headache, if he kept clenching his teeth. He knew he would. He always did. 

He couldn’t stop. 

  
He couldn’t stop when they got out of the car. Once Dean went to bed. When only Gabriel was awake, sitting against the chair down in the bunker, not having to sleep due to his inhuman state. When Sam got up to join him. When their eyes met.

When he finally got the chance to spill his guts out, to beg Gabriel to stay for longer than just to fulfill his deal. To explain he needed him, in a way that meant much more than he had expressed before. 

  
  


When he didn’t take that chance, and all that came out was a “How’re you feeling?”

And his silent grinding continued, pushing all of his feelings down his throat and back into his silent shame, when Gabriel looked him in his eyes and went, “I already told you. I’m doing good. I’m-- I’m doing  _ great.” _ _  
_ _  
_ Sam knew he was a liar. But he was his favorite liar-- and Sam  _ knew  _ that he himself was a liar, too.

Idly, he couldn’t help but wonder, but  _ hope--  _ maybe his silence would save him. Maybe, if Sam just didn’t say anything at all, Gabriel would last just a little longer than everyone else his heart beat for. So he swallowed his words, his concern, and everything else, and smiled.

  
  


“Alright… Alright.”


End file.
